BlackRock Buys Majority Stake in You

NEW YORK CITY — BlackRock, the world's largest asset management firm, has announced its acquisition of a majority share in a promising start-up: you.

That’s right, you - the person reading this article in The Rug - are now just a minority owner in yourself and your actions.

This groundbreaking move is poised to redefine the investment landscape and potentially reshape the way we perceive and engage with personal finance.

You’ll be reporting quarterly earnings and presenting P&Ls to a board of directors from BlackRock who will then decide what your economic actions will be for the next quarter.

“The first thing we’ll be looking at after this purchase is the amount of spending in the crypto space,” Director Brock said during the official purchase announcement.

“We believe that by cutting crypto and NFT expenditures to zero, BlackRock can turn this fledgling company from being 80% down to at least 10% up quarter-over-quarter.”

Business analysts are salivating over the move. “It’s brilliant,” CNBC analyst Jim Cramer said. “You have income but you spend it like an absolute moron. Just a little bit of prudent financial oversight will have your economic situation turned around in no time.”

Congratulations, your future outlook has never been brighter.

Bitcoin is down 30% on the news.

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