SAN FRANCISCO — In a celebratory move, Twitter CEO Elon Musk changed the name of the platform to “X” commemorating its spot on a list of social media platforms. According to HootSuite, it now ranks 10th behind powerhouses such as Truth Social and Holla.

Before the new list was announced Musk was planning to rebrand his social media company as “X AE, v. non-child.” Employees breathed a sigh of relief. “Pretty sure we would have immediately lost all of our users if he named us that,” said Chief Marketing Officer Honda Toyota, “but now I’ll probably have at least one more week to look for another job.”

Twitter has been steadily shedding users, revenue, and competence since Musk took the helm in late 2022. This is all according to plan, according to Musk. “We needed to get rid of all those bots and users who don’t believe in free speech,” he explained, “and all of the smarty-pants employees who think they know how to do stuff. Only then can we build the social media of the future with what’s left.”

The exodus of users accelerated shortly after Meta’s premier of competing app Threads. X intends on trying to draw these users back with a series of high-profile presidential campaign events, similar to the successful campaign launch with Ron DeSantis that started with a network crash.

RFK Jr is slated to appear to provide evidence the earth is flat on August 17th and R. Kelly is announcing his bid for the U.S. Senate from prison on the 31st.

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