MicroStrategy Acquires All the Bitcoins, Unsure What’s Next

TYSONS CORNER — On June 23, at roughly 8 am EST, MicroStrategy purchased 245 BTC at an average price of $29,860 per bitcoin, completing their goal of acquiring all of the existing bitcoins.

There are now no more bitcoins left to buy, according to blockchain experts. “I feel fine, maybe a bit melancholy,” said Michael Saylor, chairman and former CEO of MicroStrategy. “I don’t know. I guess we’ll throw a little party to celebrate?”

Even Satoshi’s famous bitcoin stash was acquired by Microstrategy in a quiet OTC trade earlier this month. To complete this deal, MicroStrategy met privately with Satoshi. “We promised not to reveal anything about Satoshi,” said a MicroStrategy spokesperson, “But I’ll just say that it’s not who you think it is.” There are still roughly 1.6 million bitcoins to be mined over the next ~140 years. “Of course we’ll be buying those, too,” mumbled Saylor, staring blankly into the middle distance. “So at least that gives us something to do. Something to look forward to, I guess.”

There is an estimated one million coins that are “lost forever,” which MicroStrategy will sadly never get a chance to buy. When these coins were mentioned, Saylor’s eyes brightened: “Yes, of course! We are absolutely going to go after those coins. They could be on someone’s dusty harddrive in an attic, or in a garbage dump. Wherever they are, we will search for them, and we will find them! Even if it takes the rest of our lives!” Saylor then started scribbling plans down on paper, calling people, and pacing around the room.

Bitcoin is down 4% on the news.

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