NEW YORK — Out of the kindness of his own heart, magnanimous CEO Jamie Dimon informed the world today that crypto is just a Ponzi scheme. He added, “Get out now while you still can and come open an account with Chase instead. We forgive you.”

Dimon’s annual compensation is north of $84 million, which is funded by continually bringing in new customers who are charged fees. “This is very different from a Ponzi scheme,” he explained.

Dimon’s pronouncement had nothing to do with any potential threat crypto may have to the banking industry. Or his lack of ability to control it.

No, the suit-wearing godsend just wanted to help all of us poor suckers who don’t understand that paying exorbitant fees to big banks enriches us all. He said, “Look, you want me to be able to give you a decent tip when you serve me, right?”

As a gesture of good faith, Dimon offered those leaving crypto fancy Chase coffee mugs and a low introductory rate credit card, starting at 5%. “Has Bitcoin ever given you a deal like this? I don’t think so,” he added.