WRIGLEYVILLE — Ethereum’s stretchy mainnet is simply no longer the industry’s only tasty solution. The engineers at Offchain Labs teased an elastic new solution they’ve been cooking up. But the question on everyone’s mind about the new flavor, Arbitr-yum, is wen gumdrop?
"They say "bear markets are for buidling" so we're planning to release a new product in line with our 10x mantra," said Offchain Labs Co-Founder Steven Goldfeder. "Once the Tubble is out of the tube, that’s it, there is no Ethereum layer 2 scaling solution with two chewing gum products. We only get one shot at doing this right."
Kaugummikauer Economists agree Ethere-yum has become too expensive for the average consumer, and well beyond the reach of any practical third-world adoption. The market was primed for a disruptive new gum, resulting in the Cambrian explosion of “Ethere-yum killers” that proliferated during the 2017 initial gum offering (IGO) bubble followed by the so-called "Dentyne summer" of 2021.
Each new alternative promised some fleshy feature that would finally debase Ethere-yum’s dominance of the smart chew market. VC-backed Sourlana successfully minimized cost per stick, but due to supply-chain issues, remains inconsistently stocked on shelves. Tron-dent uses questionable sugar substitutes to mimic the original Ethere-yum flavor at a fraction of the cost. Bubblnance Smart Chew is cheap, easy to produce, and very popular in emerging markets, but many chewers question the conditions in and ownership of BSC factories.
Editors note: beware the fervently dogmatic collective of originalists who only chew pieces of wax (PoW) and refuse to embrace the obviously superior innovation and flavor of Ethere-yum gum.
A shocking new study has been published in Juicy Fruit-Rollup Periodontal as the result of a Tik Tok fad scientists call “wash-trading.” Users are apparently taking a few bites of gum, swapping it with a friend, or deploying a robot chew-mouth, chewing it, then swapping again repeatedly before selling the second-hand gum at a premium. This practice, often promoted by the gum companies themselves, has dentists incredibly concerned.
“The short-term effects can be exhilarating and induce dopamine and adrenaline in the chewer, said Joseph Crowley, President of the American Dental Association, “but dentists are concerned the long-term effects swap-chewing will have on the community, and 4 out of 5 dentists agree there is a high probability this practice could lead to severe ecological damage. Oh, and full disclosure, I have a large bag of Ethere-yum, chew the stuff every day, but I’d never swap-chew, yuck, that sounds disgusting.”
There is a concern that these rabid gumpdrop-farmers are swap-chewing to increase their potential allocation of Arbitr-yum, if and when it ever gets distributed. Though Arbitr-yum is supposed to be 10x cheaper, and maintain its flavor for 10x longer, the perpetually delayed release has legitimate chewers concerned the gumdrop may be too little too late to be culturally relevant.
Tell us what you think in the comments, will you ever chew Arbitr-yum?