OMAHA 一 Michael Saylor, Bitcoin maxi and seven-time synchronous swimming champion, died yesterday at the age of 58 when he lost control of his eye-blazing abilities. It marked the end of a storied career of whatever it was he actually did besides tweeting about Bitcoin.

Born in a frathouse in 1965 and abandoned by his mother, Saylor was raised by a pack of self-absorbed and utterly capricious men in their late teens. They taught him about the most important things in life, like becoming rich and then making sure everyone knows it.

However, Saylor’s fratboy parents were unequipped to help little Mikey with controlling the welding torch radiance emitted from both of his eyes. Until the age of 12, he was effectively blind, having to wear lead-shield sunglasses nearly all of the time. That was until he met Professor B and enrolled in the School for Future Finance Bros.

Professor B developed a high-tech set of glasses that could help Saylor control and focus the powerful light beams from his eyes. Saylor trained for hours a day with the Professor on how to make the beams look cool for photos. Other students at the school who, unlike Saylor, had basic writing abilities, would write finance articles for Saylor to attach his name and photos to.

After becoming well-known for having lots of money and talking about it incessantly on Twitter, Saylor became overconfident in his abilities, leading to the recent incident. When posing for a photo to go with his tweet, “My soul is made of Bitcoin and I’m going to sell it to God for $$$,” he overexposed his glasses with light, which caused them to explode, taking out half his skull with it.

Until more is known about the incident, it’s unclear if it was an accident or if he was serious about the transaction described in his tweet.

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