INDIANAPOLIS — After months of preparation and marketing, former Vice President Mike Pence failed to get a single person to mint one of his NFTs during the project’s first week.

Pence promised major utility for any holders, prizes included: a voicemail recording from Mike himself, a 20-minute chat over frothy glasses of milk, Bible Study, a 1-on-1 meeting (with the door open and other witness present if you’re a woman), or a trip to gay conversion therapy for you or a friend.

“This was supposed to fund the first year-and-a-half of my Presidential campaign,” Mike said. “Now I’m worried nobody’s going to take me and my campaign seriously.”

It only made matters worse that President Trump’s new NFT collection made the ex-POTUS $45 million in one day.

The highlight of the Pence NFT collection was supposed to be a subset of “rares”: custom hand-drawn watercolors by aspiring artist and former Second Lady, Karen Pence. These special editions feature her husband in a number of inspiring poses and wardrobes ranging from Man in Blue Tie with Hand on Hip to Man in Red Tie with Two Thumbs Up.

“It’s important to note that the value and success of an NFT is not necessarily tied to how many people mint it,” Mike said at a press conference to no audience. “Some NFTs can gain popularity and value over time, even if they were not initially successful.”

OpenSea promptly removed the collection for being spam.

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