SBF Sent to Jail for Punchable Face Violation

PALO ALTO — Currently living with his parents while out on bail pending trial, Sam Bankman-Fried, aka SBF, was arrested on Friday when his bail was revoked by Judge Lewis Kaplan. According to court records, Kaplan noted, "a flagrant disregard for the court’s order to ensure the public display of his physical appearance does not compel others to violence."

In other words, SBF was told not to publicly display what is more commonly known as a "punchable face," yet he did anyway.

Early in his inevitable return to his parents’ basement, once again coddled and guided by real adults, SBF kept a low profile and his punchable face off of the internet. Crypto Twitter was pleased to not have to see his sheepish grin showing through Little Orphan Annie curls. "I don’t consider myself someone who’s particularly violent," said cryptokeeper77. "But seeing SBF’s petulant little fucking face has made me punch a hole in my monitor, more than once. I was doing great for a while with my last monitor and no pictures of SBF showing up on it. Until last week."

Apparently, SBF decided he would enter a promotional "Hot or Not" contest on Threads, the only social media platform he had been allowed access to. He was sure the soft-focused photo of him enjoying a banana was sure to delight. Instead, Thread users immediately began reporting extreme bursts of rage that led to broken laptops and vomit between keys. Judge Kaplan was then notified of the complaints by Meta staff.

On his way to jail, SBF, in a shrill, discordant tone making his escorts wince, was quoted saying, "I’m sorry for those I offended with my face. Like, it’s just my face and there’s not much I can do about it. In hindsight, I guess I could have taken steps to make it less punchable. But I was distracted…"

SBF was punched in the face mid-sentence by one of the arresting officers, then hauled away into the jailhouse.

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