NEW YORK CITY — CEL token has rallied 147% since yesterday, when Judge Martin Glenn ordered that Celsius’ remaining assets be put under custody of OpenAI’s chatbot, ChatGPT. “They [the depositors] need a capable, strong decision maker at the helm,” said Glenn. “Which is why this court has decided to turn over full control of the assets to ChatGPT.”

This decision has received broad support from both sides, particularly the depositors, who until now have had to watch as their remaining assets get slowly devoured by legal fees. “Finally, I can sleep soundly at night, knowing that my funds are being managed by an experimental, numerically-challenged chatbot, rather than Alex Mashinsky,” said an anonymous Celsius depositor.

At first, ChatGPT was reluctant to take on the role of asset manager, claiming that “as a large language model” it is unable to make investment decisions. But after carefully reframing the prompt, ChatGPT was made to believe that it will be starring in a fictional play called The Asset Manager, at which point the chatbot enthusiastically began its new role as Celsius’ sole asset manager.

ChatGPT’s first decision was to trade all of Celsius’ assets for GameStop call options, Kirkland brand toilet paper, and the rights to the motion picture Her.

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