SEC Crashes Cryptozoology Meeting, Claiming Securities Fraud

CHICAGO — The SEC continued its campaign of crackdowns by crashing the March meeting of the National Cryptozoology Society (NCS).

A low-res video recording of the meeting appears to show Mr. Eric Bruness, a hirsute junior member of the SEC, stalking around the room and yelling at the bewildered society members. “All these weird pictures—that striped deer, the skinny goat thing, the big fish--are securities, and you need to report them on your taxes!” he says.

The members attempted to explain that cryptozoology is about finding and identifying unknown animals. He blew them off, saying, “Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard all about Web3 gaming. None of this blockchain bull will ever beat Pokémon Go!”

The society eventually convinced Mr. Bruness to leave after promising that they would report all security trading on their 2023 tax returns. In response to later questions, Mr. Bruness said, “They played innocent, but I know how to identify NFTs. They’re drawings that look like the artist went nuts. I’m going to root out all this illegal trading and make Mr. Gensler proud.”

“I don’t know what he was talking about,” said Alejandro Jackson, vice president of NCS. “Our NFT collection doesn’t drop until May. Get on the whitelist at CryptidsFurever.eth!”

Bitcoin is up 0.042% on the news.

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